YOU MIGHT BE A DEER HUNTER IF…
1. Your annual hunting equipment budget is more than your family’s
annual grocery budget.
2. The term “making a stand” does not indicate your position on a
political or religious issue.
3. Most of your house is decorated in camoflauge and/or blaze orange.
4. You oil your rifle every two weeks whether it needs it or not but
you’ve had to replace two engines in your truck because you forgot to
change IT’S oil.
5. You have the Game Commission on speed dial on your phone at work.
6. Your marriage is on the rocks because you spend most of your evenings
and weekends “scouting”.
7. You know the exact ballistics, energy, and trajectory of your rifle
ammunition but you can’t balance your checkbook.
8. “NO HUNTING” signs throw you into a fit of rage.
9. You plan ALL of your vacation around deer hunting seasons.
10. You spend time at work making lists like this one.
11. You know a deer’s anatomy structure like the back of your hand.
12. Your kids’ yelling gives you a headache but you can spend hours at
the rifle range unfazed.
13. You’ll stop traffic during rush hour just to watch a couple deer
standing in a field.
14. You can field dress a deer without blinking but you can’t change a
diaper without losing your lunch.
15. You can find your favorite hunting spot in the dark but you can’t
find something in your own house that the wife asks you to get for her.
16. The year has three seasons….The Pre-Rut, The Rut, and The Post Rut.
17. You’ll wear attractant scents during deer season but you won’t put on
cologne during a night out with your wife.
18. You can spot a deer half hidden by foliage standing 100 yards away
but you can’t see the dishes in the sink that need to be done.
19. You only get and send Christmas cards to your hunting buddies.
20. You can remember the exact time, date, location, and weather
conditions of every deer you’ve ever taken but you can’t remember your own
anniversary.
21. You can make a gun rack out of a deer’s front legs in 30 minutes.
22. You dive right in to every hunting magazine you get in the mail but
will let bills sit for weeks.
23. Your children refer to deer season as “the time Daddy goes away”.
24. You always wake up before the alarm goes off for opening day of deer
season but you can’t wake up in time for work.
25. Venison is one of the four basic food groups.
26. “DEER CROSSING” signs give you a sense of anticipation.
27. You’ve sent in over 100 job applications to BUCKMASTERS.
28. The picture on your desk of your deer antlers is bigger than the
picture of your kids.
29. You can assemble your portable deer stand in the dark with quiet
efficiency but you wake the baby up every morning getting ready for work.
30. “Dates” with your wife always conclude with you making your wife drive
around to local fields while you hang out the window with a spot light.
31. You can survive in the woods for days eating grubs and strange
looking plants but you complain when the dinner your wife makes isn’t so
good.
32. Your trigger finger has blisters on it.
33. On an afternoon drive in October, your wife comments on how pretty
the leaves are. You keep wishing they would fall to the forest floor so
you can pinpoint deer feeding and bedding areas.
34. You spend an extra $20 a month just to get the Weather Channel on
cable. Then you only watch it during the week prior to deer season.
35. You can skin a deer with precise effectiveness but you can’t carve
the Thanksgiving turkey.
36. You can sit on a deer stand for hours in sub-zero temperatures but
it’s too cold to shovel the driveway.
37. You can track a deer for miles but you can’t find your kids in the
mall.
38. You can hit a deer running through the brush at top speed at 100
yards but you can’t hit the toilet when going to the bathroom.
39. You think it’s logical to spend $200 a year on your license, bullets,
food, camp dues, and gas just to save $100 in meat costs.
40. You have banned your children from ever watching the movies “Bambi”
and “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.
41. You consider deer dragging to be a scientific art and worthy of hours
of conversation.
42. You give driving directions that include the phrase “turn left after
that field where the big eight point hangs out”.
43. Your bed spread is made up of four processed deer hides.
44. You hang out at the local corner store just to get tips on where the
deer are.
45. You think “Doe in Estrus” deer scent “doesn’t smell that bad”.
46. The winch on your truck has only ever been used to drag a deer out of
the woods.
47. Your watch still has blood and hair on it from last year’s deer you
cleaned.
48. You are always late for church in the fall because you just had to
check out one more field for deer.
49. You have four maps of the area you have hunted all your life but you
refuse to even look at the operating instructions for your new VCR.
50. You consider the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)
as being the “spawn of Satan”.
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